Would the Real Ansem Please Stand Up?
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: It seems that people in Kingdom Hearts have low self-esteem, because several people hate themselves so much that they call themselves Ansem. Will the real Ansem please just reveal himself already?Or will Sora have to face people more idiotic than himself?


**Seriously, the people of Kingdom Hearts either are nuts or have low self-esteem, because they keep on pretending to be something they're not! The Ansems need a trip to the psychologist...and so does everyone else in the cast. But come on, four guys calling themselves Ansem deserves a parody. **

**This is basically crack and shouldn't be taken seriously. Flames will be used for marshmallows, which in turn go on s'mores!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, Disney, Green Eggs and Ham, Star Wars, eBay, Amazon, Christopher Lee, or Smosh videos. **

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><p><strong>Will the Real Ansem Please Stand Up?<strong>

They stared each other down, rain pouring down on their heads. The light of the incomplete Kingdom Hearts above them illuminated their furious faces. Minutes passed by in The World That Never Was, but neither cared. All each one was concerned with was their current...identity crisis.

Finally they spoke. "I am the true Ansem!" exclaimed Xemnas and Xehanort's Heartless.

Both glared daggers at their adversary. Xehanort's Heartless puffed out his chest proudly. "Nonsense! I, Ansem, am the one who researched the Heartless, obliterated Radiant Garden, and enveloped countless other worlds in DARKNESS!"

Xemnas rolled his eyes. "If I had a heart, I would be amused by your silly antics. I am the artist formerly known as Ansem!" To demonstrate his overpoweringly awesome aura, Xemnas twirled, his black Organization cloak flowing around his spit-shined (and yes, he was sure they were spit-shined. He had Demyx do it himself. The kid's saliva, for unknown reasons, wore away through all precipitates) boots.

"You are sorely mistaken!" retorted Xehanort's Heartless. "Everything about you is fake, from your idiotic hair to your tan! FAKE!" He pointed an accusatory finger at Xemnas. "Go back to Jersey Shore, you outrageous FLOOZY!"

_Now _Xemnas was offended. "Uh!" he snorted like a gossipy teenage girl. "So what if I fake bake? You shall die an excruciatingly painful death by skin cancer, the way you're-"

Just then, a dark portal expanded between them, and Riku strutted out. "...Did I come at a bad time?"

Xehanort's Heartless gawked at this identical copy of himself for three point seven seconds before regaining his composure. "This is absolute poppycock! POPPYCOCK, I TELL THEE! Thou art an impersonator! I am Ansem!"

"No way! I'm Ansem!" Riku cried out. He summoned a carefully controlled Dark Aura in his palm and fiddled with it, flicking it back and forth between his fingers. "See? I can use the darkness and everything!"

Xemnas sneered at the other two. "Your silly outfits are no match for my sexy black pleather of doom!

"Oh, please!" Riku scoffed. "Where'd you buy that, eBay?"

"No!" Xemnas howled, recalling the emotion known as rage. Then, quietly, he added, "It's from Amazon...But I am still the true Ansem!"

"Are not!" Riku and Xehanort's Heartless yelled in indignation.

"Am too!" Xemnas shouted back, Ethereal Blades forming between his gloved digits.

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

From his seat on the street corner, Sora facepalmed. Him, Donald, and Goofy had seen the entire exchange. "This. Is. Ridiculous. I don't even know when to go in and beat the crap out of them!"

Donald patted Sora's arm in sympathy and handing him a spare elixir. "drink up. We'll just watch some more."

The Trinity trio leaned against a skyscraper and sighed in unison. Sora took another sip of his elixir. It tasted like cherry and vanilla. Yippee skippy!

Goofy cheered, "Y'know, we might not even have to fight!" Everyone's faces lit up at this comment.

"More than likely they will finish each other off," a deep, bonechilling voice muttered next to them. Sora, Donald, and Goofy (because their names are _always _in that order, always!) leaped seven feet and five inches into the air, thanks to their shared High Jump Lvl. 2 ability.

"Who the heck are you?" Donald squawked. "What's the big idea?"

Sora, spotting his spilled elixir, pouted as the mysterious stranger answered, "I am the actual Ansem the Wise."

"Sure..." Sora trailed off, dubious.

Ansem glowered at Sora. "Would anyone of lesser importance have Christopher Lee as their voice actor?"

"So what? Why is that a big deal?" Donald queried. "It's just a voice actor!"

"CHRISTOPHER LEE!" Ansem howled to the heart-shaped moon far above. Even then, the fake Ansems heard nada.

"...He has a point, fellas," Goofy said, showing he had more common sense than the other two combined.

"Okay, uh, Ansem," said Sora, pulling out more items to drink from their inventory and dishing them out. "What's your story?"

Ansem chuckled. "This is your story..." he caught Sora raising one eyebrow. "Oh, right, you met Auron on the _Hercules _world. Fine. Here, let me tell you..."

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><p>"Your darkness will be shredded apart by the powers of nothingness, the Void!" Xemnas seethed.<p>

Xehanort's Heartless waved a dismissive hand. "Pish, posh, applesauce! You are not Exdeath! The darkness, not nothingness, is ETERNAL!"

Riku had to muffle his chuckles, for chuckles are not of the darkness. Dark-siders didn't chuckle, they guffawed! "Would you like some green eggs with that ham?"

"SILENCE!" Xehanort's Heartless continued to ham. "You see, it is I, YES, I! who is the TRUE Ansem!"

"You know what?" Riku hissed. "Nobody cares!"

Darth Xemnas whipped out his lightsabers and aimed one at Riku's jugular. "You racist son of a bi-"

"And then that night Xehanort stole my I.D. to get into the 7th Heaven. Intoxicated, he lost all inhibitions and bashed himself in the head with a boy named Isa's claymore. Xehanort told me he thought it'd be fun to do that. After this event, he continued to use my name an I.D. whenever he went to bars or clubs. Needless to say, I was more than disturbed when girls such as Rinoa, Cinderella, and Clarabelle Cow called my laboratory, saying they wanted another date with Ansie-Poo."

Ansem finished his tale and took a swig for his third mega-ether. Sora put his hands behind his head and stared into the campfire's dancing flames. "That sure is a crazy story. So...do you know why Xehanort's Heartless is back and with a clone?"

Ansem rubbed his beard in thought. "I'm not sure why the Heartless has returned, but this 'clone' you speak of must be Riku. I haven't seen him since I had him mop my floor, but-"

"HEY, RIKU!" Sora cried in joy as he rushed toward his best friend and glomped him.

"Uh, Sora-" Riku stammered before he was cut off.

"I can't believe you're here! You're alive! I looked everywhere for yu! I'm so happy to see you!"

"Sora..."

"Where have you been? What worlds have you visited? Did you try some sea-salt ice cream yet? Why'd you make me fight in that pointless boss battle in the Land of Dragons? Huh? Why aren't you answering?"

"Sora..." said Riku. "I'm over here."

Sora's head swiveled to his right, where Riku, in his black cloak. was standing just five feet away. Then that meant he was hugging-

"Get OFF, impudent INSECT!" Xehanort's Heartless exclaimed dramatically (like always) as he flicked Sora in the forehead. Sora soated four feet back before recovering with a back flip.

"Hey!" Donald and Goofy cried out as they sprinted to their buddy. Well, Goofy sprinted, Donald waddled, since, you know, he's a duck. People always forget about these types of things.

"I, Ansem, demand you all PERISH!" Xehanort's Heartless screeched. He did not like being touched! Hugs were too warm, and they reminded him of cookies, and teddy bears, and slumber parties...all LIGHT things!

"Nonsense! I am Ansem!" Riku and Xemnas shouted defensively.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy facepalmed, and Ansem rubbed the bridge of his nose and adjusted the belt that was strangely placed on his face. "This is going to take awhile..."

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><p><strong>CHRISTOPHER LEE!<strong>

**So, anyone want a s'more?**

**Hmm...I'm debating a sequel with the Sora/Roxas/Ventus/Xion/Vanitas group. Any opinions on that? **

**Also, note that I know Riku just called himself Ansem out of angst and Xemnas acknowledged that he was once Xehanort. It's just too funny to pass up, this opportunity here. **


End file.
